blahness

tonight, although it took a while to click, i learned something at late night....

on my way home i learned that i had heard the words that will make any 17 year old female high school student go completely nuts **me for example**

Selfishness....

i officially hate that word...because up until tonight i had used it against so many people, except for myself. i started thinking, and the more i thought the sadder i got, but i needed to talk to someone, anyone, not necessarily to talk back to me, but to just sit on the other end of the phone and let it all register and chime in when they knew it was safe or smart....so i called shae. always the best to talk to, especially when you have a problem, you just don't know what it is yet. so i rambled and rambled and rambled, and i think i have come to a conclusion, that comes with a bit of a confession and ends with a question.

every time i pray i come to a point where i just think, and my mind and my heart are almost fighting over whether God is real, or God is a made up story. of course i know what is right, but my mind contradicts everything. it's the worst feeling i've ever felt, but i can't get that thought out of my mind. i've tried praying harder, i've tried reading my bible, and i've tried just ignoring it. well, nothings changed.

i've always looked at things as this needs to go this way for me, but if it goes bad for them, oops, oh well. i always knew that was wrong, and something in the back of my head would tell me so, but i always found a way to ignore that. i can sit in front of someone and tear them apart with words, completely making them look like dirt, just to make myself feel better, and even though my mind tells me otherwise, i just ignore it and keep on with my completely devastating verbal rampage on everyone within an ears reach of me. i've had people tell me one time to watch what i say to other people, even people they didn't like, because whether i realized it or not i was hurting them, and that what i was doing wasn't right....and i just ignored them too.

this entire thing all boils down to this question:

how is it so easy to ignore those thoughts telling me that i'm wrong, but so hard to ignore the voice telling me that the God i serve is wrong?

please help

~Misty